


Two Halves of a Heart

by adamprrishcycle



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M, Magic, Not Really Character Death, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 06:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7303159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamprrishcycle/pseuds/adamprrishcycle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan accidentally pulls a hateful Adam from his dream. This was a prompt I got sent on Tumblr pre-trk.</p>
<p>“Why is he like that?” He asked finally as he straightened his pillow. “He hates you. Why would you dream-” He stopped talking abruptly and Ronan could do nothing but stare at him. “I just don’t get it,” Adam continued, getting his voice back. “I don’t hate you. Do you think I hate you?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Halves of a Heart

Ronan knew he was dreaming but his breath still caught at the sight of Adam sitting among the roots of a willow tree. He approached slowly as the trees whispered, _“tell him, tell him.”_

“Adam,” he said and Adam glanced up at him. He didn’t smile, but that was okay. In some of the dreams, he never smiled and Ronan cursed himself for dreaming him so sad. But sometimes he didn’t have much control.

“I need to tell you something,” he said and he knelt down as Adam stared at him, face blank. “I, uh… I like you, a lot.”

He heard Orphan Girl giggle somewhere off in the trees but he ignored her. It was hard to look away from Adam’s face as it went from blank to disgusted. He’d had dreams like this before and as it dawned on him, he willed himself to wake up.

“What?” Adam asked in hostile disbelief. Ronan scrambled to his feet and backed away. The forest grew dark around him and Adam climbed to his feet after him.

“Am I supposed to be impressed?” he asked. “Look at you. You think I’d look twice at _that?_ ” He gestured at Ronan up and down. “You’re a fucking mess… You’re disgusting. I can’t even bare the sight of you.”

He spat on the floor at Ronan’s feet and Ronan scrunched his eyes shut until he heard the familiar cry of a night horror. Without thinking, he grabbed Adam’s arm and started running.

“Let go of me,” Adam protested angrily and he managed to twist away and out of Ronan’s grip.

“We need to go!” Ronan exclaimed, trying to ignore the way Adam looked at him.

“Don’t touch me again,” he said in a low voice. Ronan didn’t know what to say. He knew the night horrors couldn’t get him anymore, he was surprised they’d even showed up at all. But it was Adam he was worried about. He couldn’t watch even a dream version of Adam be ripped apart.

There was another shriek and the heavy beat of wings behind him and then something crashed into him, leathery skin scratching against him. He stumbled forward into Adam, knocking him backwards off his feet.

He rolled off him quickly, his back throbbing and then he was awake. The dark, familiar shapes of his room at Monmouth floated up around him and he stared up at the ceiling, slowly coming back to himself, trying to catch his breath.

In the dizzying aftermath of the dream, it took him a second to realise something was wrong. There was someone beside him in the bed when he was sure he’d fallen asleep alone.

He glanced to his side and almost fell out of bed in his rush to get to his feet. Adam was in his bed.

He slowly looked over at Ronan and then he sat up abruptly.

“What are you doing? Why am I-” he looked around at the room, then glared at Ronan. It was the same cold stare he’d fixed him with in the dream. This Adam had been pulled straight from Ronan’s head.

“Shit,” he said and he paced up and down a few times before running to the door. “Stay here,” he commanded Dream Adam.

He closed the bedroom door behind him firmly and there was Gansey sitting wide awake at his desk.

“You okay?” He asked as he looked up.

“I may have accidentally done something really stupid,” he said and Gansey rolled his eyes.

“No, Gansey. I’m serious,” Ronan said and Gansey got to his feet, concern furrowing his brow, but before Ronan could say another word, the door behind him opened and he turned to see Dream Adam emerging from his room.

“Adam?” Gansey said, obvious confusion in his tone.

Dream Adam ignored him, staring at Ronan with a scowl on his face.

Ronan looked back at Gansey. “It’s not him. Well, it is him. Only… I accidentally pulled him out of my dream.”

“You… Okay, woah,” Gansey said, taking his glasses off and rubbing his tired eyes.

“If I’m gonna be here, I’m not sleeping in your bed,” Dream Adam said, his voice low and venomous.

“Not a problem,” Ronan shot back, smiling sarcastically. He ignored the way his stomach twisted at this too-real version of Adam who hated him so obviously. 

“What happened?” Gansey asked looking between the two of them. “In the dream.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Ronan said. “All you need to know is that he hates me.”

“Yeah,” Dream Adam said coldly, “that’s all, isn’t it? Because it wouldn’t even cross your mind that I have my own feelings. All I get is what you gave me, right?”

“Your own feelings?” Ronan exclaimed, rising to it instantly. “Listen, I literally created you two minutes ago. You didn’t exist, do you get that? And all I dreamt you for was to hate me.” 

“Adam, don’t,” Gansey said before Dream Adam could say a word in response.

“Don’t call him that,” Ronan snapped, “it’s not him.”

Gansey ignored him and continued. “Why did you dream a version of Adam that hates you?”

“Because he hates himself,” Dream Adam said, smiling. It was an expression that didn’t sit right with Ronan. This version of Adam was an almost perfect replica because of the amount of time Ronan had spent studying Adam’s face when he wasn’t looking. And impossibly, a cruel smile fit on the shape of Adam’s face just right.

“You wish,” Ronan said but it came out weaker than he’d intended.

Gansey gave Ronan a strange look before pulling his phone out of his pocket. He dialled a number and put it to his ear.

“Who are you calling?” Ronan asked.

“Jane.”

“Why? Stop.” He reached for the phone but Gansey ducked out of the way.

“Jane? It’s me,” Gansey said. Ronan looked over at Dream Adam before quickly looking away from the open glare that almost singed him. 

“Can you come over? Everything’s fine, it’s Ronan… No… Just come over, it’s kind of hard to explain… Yeah… Oh! And drop by at Adam’s, would you? Bring him too… Thanks, bye… Bye.”

“You did not just ask her to bring Adam here,” Ronan snarled, snatching Gansey’s phone out of his hand as he hung up. He threw it down onto the couch but Gansey didn’t protest.

“We need their help,” Gansey said calmly.

“No. No we don’t. We need to keep this a secret and pretend he,” he jabbed a finger at Dream Adam, “doesn’t exist.”

“Ronan-”

“No. This isn’t fucking Scooby-Doo, alright? I can deal with this by myself,” Ronan argued.

“Are you upset Adam’s gonna see me?” Dream Adam asked, that cruel smile appearing again.

“Shut up,” Ronan said.

“I can’t wait to meet him.”

“I said shut up,” Ronan said, whirling round to face him.

“No.”

Ronan turned away from him again to face Gansey. “Get him to stop talking before I hurt him. Please.” Ronan wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hurt something that looked like Adam, but he said it anyway.

“Alright, Adam,” Gansey said and stepped towards him. He took hold of his arm and Dream Adam didn’t flinch away like he did when Ronan had touched him. He let Gansey lead him to the couch and he sat down.

“How dare you dream about him,” he continued, turning where he sat to look at Ronan again. “I hope he hates you for it. In fact, I know he will. I’m him. I know how he’ll react to _you._ ”

“You’re not him! And you know fuck all about him,” Ronan snarled and he would have grabbed him round the throat if Gansey hadn’t placed a hand firmly on Ronan’s chest, stopping him. 

“Go in your room for a bit until the others get here, yeah?” he said quietly and Ronan glared at him but did as he said, storming into his room and slamming the door.

He paced the floor, ignoring Chainsaw’s concerned caws and he would have run a hole into the floorboards eventually if Gansey hadn’t called him. He left his bedroom cautiously and froze at the sight of Adam and Blue staring at Dream Adam who sat on the couch, staring back. Noah appeared too with the help of Blue’s presence and he was the first to speak.

“Did I miss something? Why is there two Adam’s?”

They all looked to Ronan as he entered the room.

“What’s going on?” Blue asked and when she realised Ronan wasn’t going to answer her, she turned to Gansey. “Gansey?”

“Well,” he began and he ran a hand through his hair, “from what I can gather, Ronan was dreaming about Adam,” he gestured at the real Adam, “and he accidentally brought this dream version of Adam out of his head.” He gestured to Dream Adam.

“Aren’t I the lucky one?” Dream Adam said sarcastically.

“And this Adam has attitude problems,” Gansey added in explanation.

“But… It can’t be possible,” Blue said.

“You’ve seen Chainsaw,” Gansey said, “of course it is.”

“And Matthew,” Ronan added quietly and Blue stared at him.

“Okay,” she said, recovering quickly. “So you dreamt Chainsaw and Matthew. That’s fine. They didn’t already exist. But Adam does.” She looked to her right at where Adam stood next to her.

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Ronan snapped. 

The sun was rising now, filling the room with weak light and Ronan was suddenly distracted by the way the light reflected off Dream Adam’s hair. He was pleased to see he was imperfect. His hair was a fraction too dark and the light bounced off it all wrong. He looked over at the real Adam to admire the way his hair glowed softly in a way that Ronan couldn’t truly replicate and he found Adam looking back at him. There was a question in his eyes, so Ronan quickly looked away.

“So what’s the big plan now that we’re all together?” He asked Gansey.

“I don’t know,” Gansey admitted. “Adam.” Both Adam’s looked at him and he shook his head. “No, um, you,” he pointed at Dream Adam. “Is there any way that you can go back into the dream that you came from?”

“How should I know? _He made me,_ ” he glared at Ronan, “I’m sure he’s got all the answers,” he sneered. “Or maybe you have,” he added, turning to look at Adam.

“What?” Adam asked, speaking for the first time.

“Tell me why I’m here,” Dream Adam challenged.

“I don’t-”

“Don’t talk to him,” Ronan interrupted, a warning in his tone as he walked over to stand between the two Adam’s.

Dream Adam ignored Ronan and grinned at Adam. “Do you know what he told me?”

Ronan surged forward and leaned into Dream Adam’s face with his hands on the back of the couch. “I’m gonna give you one more chance to shut your mouth,” he growled.

“Ronan,” Adam said behind him.

“Don’t you start as well,” Ronan snapped at him over his shoulder. He gave Dream Adam one more long look before straightening up again.

“This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” Blue commented.

An hour later Blue and Noah were fast asleep on Gansey’s bed, unable to handle the early morning and Gansey had finally passed out in his chair after being awake all night, leaving Ronan alone with the two Adam’s.

“I don’t know how you can stand him,” Dream Adam said, addressing Adam.

“What?” Adam seemed to be saying that a lot, as though he couldn’t quite catch up with what was going on.

“Cut it out,” Ronan snapped. “Adam, don’t talk to him.”

“You can’t tell him what to do. And you can’t tell _me_ what to do either. You don’t control me,” Dream Adam said.

“Why are you so desperate to let everyone know you’re more than what I made you? You’re not and that’s the end of it,” Ronan said. His legs were aching from standing for so long but he refused to sit down beside Dream Adam and he didn’t really feel like joining Adam on the floor either.

“Because I don’t want to be associated with you,” Dream Adam replied.

“Why not?” Adam asked, shocking them both. He’d hardly spoken.

“Because he makes me fucking sick,” Dream Adam spat. “Aren’t you at all concerned that he dreams about you?”

Adam shrugged. “Don’t we all dream about each other? It’s not as if we can control it.”

Dream Adam’s face cracked with a smile. “But you know he can control it.”

“Why the fuck would I dream you?” Ronan said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t know,” Dream Adam shrugged, “maybe you get off on rejection and unrequited love. As well as me, of course.”

“I swear-” Ronan got to his feet. “I can’t be here anymore.” He went to the front door and left, slamming it behind him. He got in his car and drove and less than ten minutes later he pulled up outside of St. Agnes and went upstairs. He sat against the wall outside Adam’s door and waited.

He didn’t wear a watch and he hadn’t brought his phone with him so he had no idea how long it was before Adam showed up, all he knew was that the sun was up and cars rumbled past outside in morning traffic.

“Have you been sitting here the whole time?” Adam asked as he unlocked the door and waited for Ronan to stand up and enter in front of him. Ronan didn’t answer and stretched as he walked into Adam’s small apartment.

“Where is he?” He asked instead.

“I left him with Gansey,” Adam replied.

“I’m- um, I’m sorry,” Ronan said, stuffing his hands into his pockets as Adam walked over to the bed and started making it. He had left it in a rush this morning when Blue showed up.

“What for?”

“For accidentally creating your evil twin,” Ronan said, trying his best at humour. Adam glanced at him and smiled but continued making the bed.

“Why is he like that?” He asked finally as he straightened his pillow. “He hates you. Why would you dream-” He stopped talking abruptly and Ronan could do nothing but stare at him. “I just don’t get it,” Adam continued, getting his voice back. “I don’t hate you. Do you think I hate you?”

“No,” Ronan said quietly, still staring.

“Then why?”

Ronan shrugged.

“Please, I want to know,” Adam pushed.

“I don’t know, Parrish,” Ronan snapped. “Now fucking drop it, alright?”

Adam didn’t bring it up again and shortly after, Ronan left. He needed to get away. He needed to get Adam out of his head, whichever Adam that may be.

He bought some beer from a store at the edge of town and then he drove, the BMW eating up the road, the roar of the engine growing as Ronan’s foot cramped as he pressed it harder and harder against the accelerator pedal. It was so loud he almost forgot everything. Almost.

When he was sufficiently lost he parked up and lay on top of the car in the burning sun and downed the beers like he used to do with Kavinsky. The hot metal beneath him burnt and he hissed every time he shifted.

When the sun finally went down he drove home. He’d finally made up his mind on what to do with Dream Adam and he took a few deep breaths that just made him feel light-headed and sick before he opened the door.

“Where is he?” He asked Gansey who was sitting cross legged on the floor, making a new addition to his cardboard Henrietta. 

“Blue took him,” Gansey said, adjusting his glasses as he looked up at Ronan.

“Why?”

“She offered.” He shrugged. “Look, you didn’t have to spend all day with him. Where have you been anyway?” 

Ronan passed him without saying a word as he made his way to his bedroom.

“You smell like a brewery,” Gansey added, pulling his face but Ronan ignored him and went into his room, closing the door behind him. He collapsed on his bed, exhausted but as usual, once his head hit the pillow, he was suddenly wide awake. 

He checked the time on his phone. Then he checked it again and was shocked to see that an hour had passed. 

He’d just placed it back on the night stand when it vibrated. Then continued to vibrate. It was an incoming call. He picked it up and checked the caller ID. It was Adam.

“Parrish?” He said, pressing it to his ear. 

“Ronan?” Came Adam’s voice, he sounded distressed and Ronan sat up immediately.

“What is it?”

“I need you to come over. Right now. Don’t bring anyone with you.”

“Are you okay?”

“Come now.”

“Adam?” He waited. “Adam?”

The line was dead.

He was back in his car before he knew what he was doing. He jumped three red lights on his way through town and he mounted the curb as he parked outside St. Agnes. He rushed upstairs and pounded on the door.

A few seconds later, Adam opened it looking pale.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” he said and he stepped back so Ronan could come in.

He stopped abruptly at the sight in front of him. The other Adam lay on his side, his temple caved in. He was covered in blood and it seeped down onto the floor so that he lay in a pool of it.

Ronan rushed to the kitchen sink and threw up violently. When his stomach was empty, he continued to dry heave until his throat burned with the effort. 

“Ronan?” Adam said hesitantly from across the room. Ronan turned to look at him. He was crying.

“What happened?” He asked and his voice sounded hoarse to his own ears.

“He attacked me,” he paused and stared down at himself. “So I hit him with- with that,” he pointed at a piece of piping that had come away from the wall, “and now I think he’s dead.” He took a long shaky breath. “I killed him.”

“It was self-”

“I killed myself,” he interrupted, still staring at Dream Adam.

“It wasn’t you. He wasn’t real. He was only physically you but he was filled with me and how I feel about- about myself,” Ronan tried to explain. “It wasn’t real.”

“You hate yourself?” He looked up at him.

“No,” Ronan replied instantly, it was true. “But I used to. And I’m scared that you see me how I used to see myself.”

“I don’t,” Adam said quickly. “I- He told me things… About you. But I- Shit, we need to get rid of him.”

He ripped the sheet off his bed and threw it over Dream Adam’s body and together they wrapped him up in it and carried it down the stairs. Ronan waited in the church entrance hall as Adam checked the street and opened the trunk. When the coast was clear, they carried the body, grunting with the weight as they shoved him into the trunk. 

“It’s okay,” Ronan said, out of breath as he climbed into the driver’s seat. “Cabeswater will have him.”

It was harder to find it in the dark than he thought it would be, but eventually Ronan turned off the dusty track, tucking the BMW in beside a hedgerow. He cut the engine and looked over at Adam.

“How are you doing?” He asked.

Adam nodded. “Fine.”

They got out and together they carried the body the short way across the field. Once they entered Cabeswater, the light grew around them and birds started singing above them. It was as though Cabeswater hadn’t noticed yet that the Greywaren was carrying death into it’s midst. Ronan prayed his mother wouldn’t see them.

“Over here,” he said, panting and they put the body down over the roots of a willow tree. Ronan pulled the sheet off him, balling it up and throwing it off to the side.

He took in the sight of Adam dead again, before looking away. He thought it must be some sick joke that Dream Adam had died the exact same way as his father did. He swallowed hard.

“What now?” Adam asked beside him.

“I don’t know,” Ronan admitted. 

A breeze blew around them, bringing with it a sweet scent and Ronan inhaled it until the sweetness became unbearable and twisted into something unpleasant. He lifted his forearm to his nose and looked at Adam.

“It smells like death,” Adam said, confirming Ronan’s thoughts. He looked back at Dream Adam and he noticed movement around him. The roots seemed to be quivering. Ronan’s skin started to crawl as the tendrils slowly slithered up and started to wrap themselves around Dream Adam.

“Shit,” Ronan breathed.

“Can you feel that?” Adam asked and Ronan could only nod as the roots tightened against Dream Adam’s skin and then they shrunk in on themselves, pulling him down into the earth, dragging him down into nothingness. When he was gone, the roots rearranged themselves and the birds continued to sing as if nothing had come to pass.

They drove back to St. Agnes in silence and Ronan tried to push the images out of his head. Back in the apartment they cleaned up the blood without speaking a word to each other. They washed their hands in the kitchen sink, Adam under the hot water, Ronan under the cold. It didn’t occur to either of them to use the bathroom sink.

Once their hands were clean, Adam pulled a spare sheet from his wardrobe and climbed under it on the bed.

“You can’t sleep down there,” he said. The first words they’d spoken since Cabeswater. Ronan climbed into the bed next to him without protesting.

They lay in silence, both wide awake until Adam finally spoke.

“He told me you love me.”

“Did you believe him?” Ronan asked in a whisper.

“I’m not sure,” Adam replied.

“What happens now then?” 

“You tell me the truth.”

“Then what?”

“Maybe I’ll kiss you,” Adam said and Ronan glanced at him to catch the edge of a faint smile.

“Skip the truth bit then,” he said.

“So is that a yes?” He propped himself up on one elbow and Ronan looked up at him. This was Adam as he should be. The only Adam possible. Voice hushed and hair washed to an almost colorless gray in the darkness with just his eyes glinting in the dim light of a street lamp that stood outside the window. A small smile played on his lips and Ronan wanted to touch it. The Adam from his dreams didn’t exist. He never existed. This was the only Adam and Ronan was in love with him.

“Yes,” he whispered finally and then Adam kissed him.


End file.
